When I was nine my mom died from leukemia. It was sad and hard but we were young and seemed to make it through alright. As I have gotten older and especially since becoming a mom to my own little sweeties I often wonder what my mom would have done in certain situations or just to know what her thoughts might have been during a normal day with me and my siblings. Did we drive her insane, did she lose her temper like I all too often do, did she let the little things go or was she to anal to do that? Since I was so young I sadly don't remember a lot of details. I wish there was more video more still shots, but she had 5 kids, and for a while was very sick, pulling out a camera is not the first thing one might have thought to do. I am grateful for smells, sights, pictures, and voices that can suddenly bring back a memory that was long ago tucked away.
Since I have lost a parent and now experience these feelings, I have made a solid effort to take more pictures, let the little things go, allow my children to occasionally crawl in our bed during the early morning hours and most importantly, write things down. I feel most comfortable writing these thoughts in letter form to my children, sometimes individually and sometimes together. I write about things we did that day, how the kids reacted to a new situation, a new milestone they may have reached or a funny conversation we had together. I also make sure to include private thoughts, stories from my childhood, lessons learned, and my feelings of love towards my children and my husband. These thoughts are often disorganized, I tend to just write on whatever piece of paper I can find before the thought goes away. Already I have gone through and read old notes and I am always surprised at how much has been forgotten in such a short amount of time. I wish my mom could have known what the future held for her, for us, but she didn't, no one could have. I don't know what the future holds for me and my family but I hope that if something should, heaven forbid, happen to me, my children will have a few of these future curiosities answered. This is how I keep a journal, by writing letters, and blogging of course.
I know that every day here on Earth is a gift from our Heavenly Father. I am working on being a better wife, mother and person and leaving my children memories that they can one day enjoy in my absence, whether it's tomorrow or 60 years from now. I want to make today count.
1 comment:
Amber...I haven't checked your blog in quite some time but when I did tonight I wanted to comment.
I'm glad you're taking pictures...make sure you're in them with your kids. Your Mom, like many of us, hated to see herself in a photo because she thought she didn't look good in photos. I remember when she got the Glamor Shots taken...it was a great day for her and she loved being pampered and trying on clothes and having her picture done.
I know that your Mom is proud of the mother that you are to your kiddos!
To my knowledge she didn't keep a journal. I got her one when she went off to Seattle and I don't think she wrote in it very much. She was probably too weak then.
Keep doing what you're doing. Your kids will remember you. Your conscience might not remember every little nuance of Tammy but your spirit remembers and one day when you see her again all of those memories will be brought to your perfect memory.
Love you!
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